The Wallflower and the Butterfly

One of the biggest hurdles for people with ASD ( Autism Spectrum Disorder) is social interactions. For me, its a especially hard as most of my life I have been around “normal” folk who have no trouble talking  to others. I am rather a good speaker and can be articulate but I’m not one who can easily approach others  and strike up a conversation.

I recently went to a day long aikid instructor’s class, where over 40 people were in attendence, most I knew from years of  classes and camps and yet I still felt like an outsider. At lunch I sat in a corner alone at a table. While we waited for the afternoon session to start, I stood alone while everyone else chatted. I don’t normally notice this isolation as I’m used to it but since my diagnosis I have become more aware of  how often it happens.

Mind you this is with people I know. I sat in the front seat on a recent car tripwith someone I’ve known for years, and we barely exchanged words. However, on the way back another person sat up front and the two chatted away. So does she prefer the other person’s company or I am a poor conversationalist? It’s hard for me to tell.

I try to improve my social skills but it’s a struggle. I fret awkwardly, trying to go beyond small talk--which I'm terrible at and wonder how dull or boring I sound. Every social encounter  is scrutinized, analyed and graded as a success or failure. Did I monologue? Did I stay on topic subject or dominate with one of my fixations? How well did I reciprocate ? Did I show interest in them or just wait impatiently until I could babble on.The stress is considerable.

I’m reminded of  what John Elder Robison commented in his memoir “Look Me in the Eye.”

“ Many descriptions of autism and Asperger’s  describe people like me as “not wanting contact with others” or “preferring to play alone.” I can’t speak for other kids, but I’d like to be very clear about my own feelings:  I did not ever want to to be alone . And all those child psychologists who said ”John prefers to play by himself” were dead wrong. I played by myself because I was a failure at playing with with others. I was alone as a result of my own limitations, and being alone was one of the bitterest disappointments of my young life.”

I understand that all too well. Just because  I’m not good at interacting doesn’t mean I don’t want to and the pain of loneliness is as powerful for someone with ASD as it is for anyone. So should you see me --or someone you know  with ASD at a gathering , please come over and talk , I crave conversation too and will appreciate the kindness of your company.

You're going to camp whether you like it or not.

By Alisa McLaughlin

I planned to be at the  annual Kindtree Autism Camp early to beat the rush and rehearse for a role in a play one of the Volunteers wrote . I  say planned because my plans didn't quite work out that way. Thursday morning my ride never appeared leaving me frantic, confused, angry and so stressed I thought, the hell with it. Once again fate was in charge.I woke Friday and immediately got a call from Nell, one of the directors of the camp.

"We need you out here." were the magic words she said. I got a ride from another volunteer Julie, and we arrive mid afternoon. Unfortunately I missed a shift of work and a rehearsal so I was way behind the schedule. No problem, no worries I'm here that's what counts.

The  main work on Saturday was the technical rehearsal for the play. The final draft of the play was delivered to me when I arrive so we're all reading from the script here and at the show. In a homage to Dr. Who, Frankie has written a play that could easily pass for an actual episode. Pretty good since he's never done this before. He plays The Doctor but is preoccupied with directing. Tim plays a befuddled Professor and offers ideas on direction. Logan-playing the villain, proves to be very professional, picks up on his stage business, gets into his part and has most of his part memorized which impresses me. A high energy pre teen is cast for a small role and does the news commentator on a pre recorded video. He's all over the place and I wonder if he is up to the discipline of acting.  I'm stressing about the complicated blocking.

Panels of cardboard are painted brown with yellow circles like the interior of the TARDIS.  One of the panels is discarded because of space and Logan decides it looks like an easy version the game twister "Left leg on yellow, right leg on yellow, left hand on yellow, left hand on yellow" Yeah, that's it I laugh. The prop control panel could easily have come from the early days of the BBC show when they had no budget. We all love it's thrown together appeal.

I'm tired from rehearsal and go to my tent for a ten minute nap that turns into a 30 minute nap. I miss out of the many activities scheduled but camping for me is about resting not doing. So I  enjoy throwing a frisbee around the open field with campers in the warn sun. I wander over in time to see Mary -Minn and company packing up after the watercolor class I missed. They speak in a fake French accent for some strange reason  while they clean up. "ah  ze colors are magnifique." "Zees is ze best water color ever. " I didn't miss the fun after all.

The  play is presented at the end of the talent show Saturday night and is wildly enjoyed despite the imperfect staging and my stepping on Frankie's lines-twice. The crowd loves it and that's all the matters. Afterwards he and Ryan do their impression of Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. I went to bed.

Sunday I rose to late for the eggs so I have bacon and fruit for breakfast. I take a long walk to the end of the camp  and back. Big mistake, even though it was quite lovely and quiet. I then spend over two hours helping in the kitchen which I rather like even though it's tiring work. I have spent the last month sitting on my butt while writing a novel so I get all the exercise I missed done in one weekend. It's raining and I'm exhausted when Julie and I head back to Eugene. I'm so tired I swear I'm not going to do it again next year. 

Well, there is talk of a sequel to the play.