What Not to Say to an Autistic Person

Being openly autistic, I often have people say some insulting things to me. Occasionally, it's meant to be insulting. It's usually easy to know what to do with that, even for the neuronormal people around me that hear it. These days, most people know that it's inappropriate to call someone retarded. Autistic people are likely to be personally insulted by it, even if it isn't directed toward them.

However, a lot of people will say things that are meant to be perfectly innocent, or even as compliments, without realizing how insulting it might seem. I'd like to talk about some of my favorites here. All of these have been said to me or my friends. Please understand that I am fully aware that none of these are meant to be insulting, but I honestly believe the people that say them do not know what they sound like to us.

• “You seem so normal.”

This is probably the most common thing that I hear when I tell someone that I'm autistic. I've never liked this one because it implicitly defines autistic as “bad” and normal as “good.” My goal has always been to be the best me I can be, and it's been obvious to me for a very long time that that's a very different path from “normal.”

• “You seem pretty smart.”

This is another very common one. My guess is that you don't feel the need to say this to every smart person you talk to. Usually, the reason to say something like this is if it comes as a surprise. Autism and intelligence are not mutually exclusive, and very frequently coexist within a single individual.

• “You must be very high-functioning.”

This is an unnecessary and meaningless thing to say. Just don't bother.

• “If you hadn't told me, I never would have guessed.”

Most of us have had our entire lives to learn how to navigate through society. Passing as normal can be an important skill, because most of us don't want to have to explain it to every person we meet. However, it's more about survival than a desire to be normal. Most of us would prefer not to be complimented on it.

• “Oh, I'm so sorry.”

You can substitute here any expression of pity. It's usually said much slower than anything prior to the statement that I'm autistic. We don't want pity about autism. I can assure you that if I felt at all ashamed of my autism, I wouldn't have said anything about it. In fact, some of us even have some pride in our individuality.

• “Labels go on soup cans.”

This seems to be an attempt to assure me that there's nothing wrong with me. The label isn't about creating barriers or making excuses. It's an attempt to gain a greater understanding of myself.

• “Aren't we all just a little bit autistic?”

There's a reason we have different labels for different things. If there were no differences, there would be no word for the differences. Besides, when I was growing up, I could never fully understand the actions of the people around me. This is due to having a completely different type of brain. I shouldn't have had this problem if everyone around me were a little bit autistic.

• “It's not 'autistic.' It's 'has autism.'”

To be honest, I feel that I'm capable of deciding for myself how I'll talk about myself. I've always preferred 'autistic' to 'has autism.' If that seems odd to you, it's always appropriate to ask why.

• “I heard it might be caused by ___________.”

If an autistic person cares about this subject, chances are that they've heard it. The reality, though, is that most of us don't concern ourselves with what causes autism. If it isn't intended to be a discussion of autism-related issues, please keep it to yourself.

• “Have you tried ___________?”

Any type of autism treatment that you might have heard of. If the person you're talking to is an adult and has told you that they're autistic, whatever they're doing is probably working for them. Unsolicited advice only serves to marginalize us. Unless you're the person's parent or hired caretaker, it's not your job to give it.

• “You just need to get out more.”

This isn't always as easy as it is for a neuronormal person. Most of us tend to stay away from social gatherings because they're tiring or overwhelming. Odds are pretty good that you wouldn't tell someone confined to a wheelchair to just go for a walk. We'll attend social gatherings when we're ready. Just don't push us.

• “You inspire me!”

Context is everything on this one. I'm just living my life, just like you. I have challenges, just like you, though mine might be a little different. If I do something extraordinary, that's one thing, but I've always been uncomfortable with my day to day life being inspirational to other people. Please reserve admiration for when it's appropriate. Day to day living doesn't qualify, whether the person is autistic or not.

So, what can you say to an autistic person? The answer is a lot simpler than you might think. Just talk to us like we're people. If you would be insulted by something, chances are good that we will be too.