In my last post, I
wrote about some things you shouldn't say to an autistic person.
Since then, I've received some requests to write about what you can
say to an autistic person. I had hoped the advice I gave to talk to
us like normal people would be enough. However, it stands to reason
that if that were easy and intuitive, there would have been no need
to write my last post.
I'm not going to
give you a script for what to say when someone tells you they're
autistic. I don't feel that that would be a meaningful thing to say.
However, I will start by saying that everything I said not to say in
my last post would be preferable to walking on eggshells to avoid
saying something offensive. As long as it's clear that your intent is
not to offend, you can get away with an awful lot. You might even get
to learn something from the person you're talking to in the process.
The biggest question
seems to be what to say when someone tells you that they're autistic,
so let me start there. The first thing to keep in mind is that
nothing about this person has changed. In fact, the only thing that
has changed is that you have just acquired some new knowledge about
them.
I know it seems
obvious, but the reason I bring it up is that, so often, people have
altered the tone of their speech after I told them I was autistic.
Most of the time, they don't even realize it until after I point it
out. Please be aware of your tone, and try not to be offended if the
person you're talking to tells you that you are patronizing them. (As
a side note to my autistic readers, don't be afraid to tell someone
when they are using a patronizing tone. Odds are pretty good they
won't know unless you do.)
The next thing to
remember is that, while you may not understand autism, it isn't an
unusual thing for us. We were born autistic, we've been autistic for
our entire lives, and we will die autistic. All that's required in
response is a simple acknowledgement. Depending on the individual and
your relationship to them, a statement of “That must be why you...”
may not be inappropriate. Although, you should probably use that one
with care, and obey the normal social rules about calling attention
to another person's traits.
Lastly, if someone
tells you that they are autistic, they are sharing a very personal
piece of information. Please respect this. It is not your place to
tell other people about it. I'm very open about my autism, but I feel
that it should be my decision how and when to tell people.
There are a few
things to keep in mind on a more ongoing basis. First and foremost is
to remember that all autistic people are different. We tend to share
some traits in common. The label of autism defines that. Otherwise,
we're all individuals, and there is as much variation between any two
autistic people as you will see between any two neuronormal people.
A common phrase in the autistic community to describe this is “If
you know one autistic person, you know one autistic person.”
Fortunately, I
notice it's becoming less necessary to say that last point in recent
years. As people become more aware of autism, and minds become more
open, people tend to be more likely to see us as individuals. Still,
if you notice one autistic person has a certain unique trait, don't
assume the rest of us do.
If there is a parent
or caregiver present, it is preferable to talk directly to the
autistic person. In fact, this extends beyond autism. Think about if
someone were to speak to you through someone else. My guess is that
it wouldn't make you feel good about yourself. If a person is unable
to communicate directly, the caregiver will most likely help.
When talking to us,
don't be afraid to be blunt. I know it's often considered rude in
conversation to be too direct, especially on topics of a sensitive
nature. However, autistic people tend not to read between the lines
very well. If you dance around the subject too much, it's unlikely
we'll understand what you're trying to say. There's also a chance
that we might completely miss that you're trying to tell us
something.
The flip side of
that is that we also tend to be direct in our communication. We don't
mean to be rude when we do it. However, it does mean that you can
usually take what we say at face value, without having to read
between the lines. We also have a tendency to show what we think of
people, even if it isn't intentional.
Finally, for my
part, questions are always appreciated. I've had people apologize to
me for bombarding me with questions about autism. The simple truth is
that I enjoy spreading knowledge and information about it. In fact,
most self-advocates have a desire to be heard. Questions are a great
way for us to find out the gaps in your own knowledge that you would
like to be filled.
There is another
reason I don't mind questions. The other option for most people is to
check the internet. Unfortunately, there happens to be a lot of
questionable information online. It often appears to be perfectly
legitimate. However, it tends to be at odds with my own experience.
My preference is always that you get your information from someone
with first-hand life experience, rather than self-appointed advocates
that rarely talk to actual autistic people.
Of course, like with
anyone, it gets easier to know how to talk to the individual autistic
people that you know as you get to know them better. We're all
individuals. Just like with anyone else, conversation styles will
vary from person to person.
